The Teen Titans do Hamlet!
by the lone psychopath
Summary: all in the title, everyone goes crazy then dies! also full of Shakespearean insults! insanity, death and insults! what could be better!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Batman, DC comics, Hamlet or the MTA so if you do please be nice and don't sue me.

It all started in the main room of the tower. "Guys," Robin said, "we've been destroying way too many buildings lately and the money adds up, the government isn't willing to pay for this and tax payers are not very happy."

"And now you're gonna tell us we need to make money?" Raven asked.

"Yes," Robin said, "Any ideas?"

"I have one!" Starfire said, "We could hold the Tamaran Games here on Earth! And have a Tamaran culture festival! With Tamaranian folk songs and food and dances! And the best event the toss of the caberkorf."

"Any one else have an idea?"

"I know! Remember when the Game Station wasn't working?" he shivered in fear, "Well I found one of Raven's big books and I started reading it-"

"So that's what happened to my copy of Hamlet?" Raven glared at him, "You're actually literate?"

"Yeah, but I didn't understand it so I read the spark notes and it seemed really cool! It's about this guy Hamlet who has a major beef with his uncle and then he kills his girlfriend's dad and she's all "lalalala" then she's all "blubblubblub" then Hamlet is all "cool skull!" then he's all "GRRR!" and her brother is all "GRRR!" then the queen was all "AH!" then the king was all "CRAP!" then Laertes wall all "Dang it!" and Hamlet was all "bye." And they all died! There was a very long pause; everyone was staring at Beast Boy wide eyed. "Wouldn't it be awesome if we performed it in modern English?"

"Any more ideas?" Robin asked, nobody could think of anything. "All in favor of the Tamaran festival?" Starfire raised her hand happily, "All in favor of Hamlet?" Beast Boy raised his hand, so did Cyborg everybody stared.

"All that violence sounds awesome!" Cyborg told them.

"I guess we're putting on a play."

"We have a problem there are eight major characters and four of you." Raven said.

"Raven, you're in this too. Exactly how much money do you owe the MTA for destroying buses? And multiple insurance companies for destroying cars and buildings?"

"Damnit, just let me help with the casting so this doesn't turn into a piece of crap."

Auditions------------

They're in their huge backyard, Robin and Raven are the casting directors, being the only two people who didn't just leave their copy of Hamlet in their locker and read the spark notes.

"Can I be Hamlet? Please!" Beast Boy begged.

"No," Raven said.

"I'd be a great Hamlet!"

"Does your mind have the capacity to memorize all of his lines?"

"Oh this too, too solid flesh, words, words, words, to be or not to be? The rest is silence. I have 'em memorized."

"What about his **many** long fits of insanity yelling at himself? The rest of the soliloquies you mentioned? Other soliloquies you haven't heard of yet?" she held up the book and turned to many pages where no one but Hamlet was speaking.

"Um, maybe I could be Laertes instead or someone with no lines?"

"You're Horatio; you have almost no lines and a very important one at the end. Screw us over and you will suffer. You are also the only one who lives."

"Cool!"

"Next."

"Would you mind telling me about these "plays" you speak of and the "parts" in them?" Starfire asked, then Robin answered her questions. "Oh, tell me of the parts meant for women."

"There's Hamlet's girlfriend Ophelia and his mother Queen Gertrude." Robin told her.

"Ophelia is a pretty name, yes? May I act as her?"

"Well Ophelia is freakishly perky after she goes crazy." Raven said to Robin, "Sure."

"This is most magnificent!"

"Ok. That makes me Gertrude, next." Slade walked up, Robin attempted to jump him and Slade just flipped him over. Then he held up a skull and began to speak,

"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath borne me on his back a thousand times, and now-"

"So you're not trying to kill us?" Raven asked.

"Not now, I've always wanted to be in Hamlet. I begged them in high school but they were doing Much Ado About Nothing… and it being a one gender school, and performing it the way Shakespeare would've, I was Beatrice." All of the Titans except Raven were holding in their laughter with all of their strength.

"You'll make a good Claudius." Raven said. Slade looked pissed off and walked away cursing under his breath. "Next."

"I wanna die! Death parts are awesome! Gimmie the part of someone who gets stabbed!" Cyborg asked.

"Polonius gets stabbed, wanna be him?" Robin asked.

"Boo-yah! This is gonna rock!"

"Next." Robin said then Speedy walked up. He and Robin immediately started talking about their weapons and other stuff, Raven marked him down as Laertes and said, "Next." Then Batman walked up tapped Robin on the shoulder.

"Robin, I can't keep lending you money every time you mess up the city. I'm not a bank." Yes he is, Batman never had special powers just money and a lot of free time.

"Yeah about that," Robin said nervously, "We're actually raising money to pay off our debt, would you be interested in helping us?"

"What do I have to do?"

"Act. We're performing Hamlet."

"Can I be Hamlet?"

"Um, no."

"Why?" Robin didn't answer, and then Batman realized why, "Hamlet and Ophelia never kiss." He thought again for a minute about Act 3 Scene 2, "Give me whatever part you have left, keep Shakespeare's perverted jokes to yourself."

A/N: Next Chappie the play starts! Here's a list of the cast!

Robin - Hamlet

Starfire - Ophelia (Hamlet's girlfriend)

Raven - Gertrude (Hamlet's mom)

Slade - Claudius (Hamlet's evil uncle)

Speedy - Laertes (Ophelia's brother)

Cyborg - Polonius (Laertes and Ophelia's dad)

Batman - Ghost (Hamlet's father)

Beast Boy - Horatio (Hamlet's best friend)

Narrator - me until somebody dies, then they'll take over

A/N: NOW REWIEW! All flames will somehow be used as weapons in later chapters.


	2. start the show qualling flaxwrench!

A/N: two reviews… man am I pathetic, sadieluver715 just for you I have replaced all modern bad words put in by me with Renaissance ones! If you should see anymore bad words such as "damn" or "ass" well Shakespeare needed to entertain the groundlings (poor people too cheap to buy a seat) with profanity and perverted jokes.

For the costumes the guys are all wearing those Renaissance puffy shirts and doublets (Robin wears black through out the entire thing mourning his father's death.) Raven's the queen, therefore she is rich so she'd be wearing something like in that painting of Queen Elizabeth I at age 13 except in purple (only royalty could wear purple, it was a **very** expensive dye) Starfire's Ophelia, if she's seeing the prince she'd have to be upper class so put her in a red bodice (red was another expensive color) that laces up in the back (this means you had servants, servants money) black was kinda expensive so I guess that's the color of her skirt-

Random groundling: Enough with the fashion lesson! Start the show you mewling fat-kidneyed mammet!

A/N: Fine you infectious whoreson maggot-pie! Alrighty then, Hamlet has just returned from England only to learn that his father died and his mom married his uncle.

"Raven married to Slade…" Robin said as he shivered. "That is wrong on so many levels."

"Wha? Raven married Slade! Nasty! How come she didn't invite us to the wedding?" B.B asked.

A/N: Enough! Tell him about the ghost.

"Oh yeah," B.B said "Robin I've seen a ghost a couple of times that looked a lot like your dad."

"Take me to him"

A/N: Later that night Hamlet saw the ghost of his father.

"Robin," Batman said, "I did not die a natural death."

"Then how'd you die?"

"The serpent that took my life now wears my crown."

"My Uncle?"

"Yes-"

"SLADE? I'm related to Slade, when the heck did Raven cast him?"

"Yes you're related to him stop whining about it. Man were you easer to deal with before your hormones kicked in," pause, "Robin I want you to avenge my death, I can't reach heaven until you do. The sun draws near I must go back to purgatory." Batman said as he faded into nothing.

"I will."

A/N: Now that Hamlet's seen the ghost of his dad he gets to go insane! Now let's talk a little about Hamlet's tragic flaw - he thinks too much for his own good. Don't get it ask your English teacher or go to spark notes. Okay so Polonius knows that Hamlet's going out with his daughter Ophelia and by now everybody knows he's insane.

"Alright, Robin is insane, time for us to speculate why." Raven said.

"I think he's on drugs." Slade said.

"We're in 11th century Denmark, drugs haven't been invented yet." She said in her monotone voice.

"I know why!" Cyborg said. "Look at all of these crappy poems he's been writing for Starfire." He gave one of Robin's letters to Raven; she read it then passed it on to Slade.

"That truly is crap."

"You really think he's insane because of love?" asked Slade.

"Probably" said Cyborg.

"Robin is young, he makes a good point. I think they'd be happy together and Hamlet should get married soon…" Said Raven, then Starfire walked in looking a little afraid.

"I was in my room doing what is called embroidery, yes? Then Lord Robin came in with doublet unbuttoned and his stockings hung at his ankles. He looked very pale like that of a norfka. Then he walked up to me."

"Is he in love with you?" Slade asked.

"Robin has feelings of the love for me!" Starfire said cheerfully, "I mean… yes that is what I guess he is feeling."

"Then what did he do?" asked Cyborg.

"He grabbed my arm, and then took a step back, and then he looked at me for a long time. Then he had on a look of the sorrow and sighed. After that Robin left walking in a backward manner because he kept looking at me while he left. This is not normal way of showing affection, correct?"

"Maybe it's because I told you to send all of his letters back and not let him visit you." Cyborg guessed.

A/N: Next chappie Hamlet goes crazy on Ophelia, proves Claudius guilty, hits on Ophelia and then goes crazy on his mom!


	3. parts of act 2 and 3

A/N: my two reviews have slowly progressed to three, very sad… probably cuz of the crappy summary… or because you gleeking clapper-clawed coxcombs don't appreciate people going crazy and than dieing! Insanity and death WHAT'S BETTER THAN THAT?

Warning: Some perverted Shakespeare jokes in this chappie.

A/N: As the days went on his insanity grew, it grew greatly. He began walking around the castle pondering out loud about life and death, says the "To be or not to be" speech (read it in the book, I consider it a sin to write it in modern English) then Ophelia walks in.

"The fair Starfire enters, remember me when you pray." Robin said.

"Hello Robin," Starfire said, "I have some gifts of yours that I have been trying to give back to you. I ask that you please take them." She held out a necklace.

"I didn't give you that." Robin said.

"Robin, you know you have given them to me. And you have written many lovely letters that are no longer of the lovely because for a while you haven't been very lovely." She said very sadly. Robin laughed a little.

"Are you good?" Robin asked.

"Robin?"

"Are you beautiful?"

"Robin what do you speak of?"

"Strange how beauty's power can more easily change a good respectable girl into a whore than the power of goodness can make a beautiful girl a virgin," he paused, "I did love you once."

"You made me believe so."

"You should not have believed me!" all of a sudden he began to go insane; "I loved you not! Get thee to a nunnery! Why would you give birth to more sinners? I am a pretty good person but I could accuse myself of things that it would have been better if my mother had not borne me!" He paused, "say where is your father?"

"At home."

"Lock him in there so he can only be a fool in his own house! Good day!" he started to leave.

"Dear Lord, please help him." Then Robin stopped walking turned around and walked back to Starfire.

"If you do marry, marry a fool since wise men know that you'll cheat on them! Actually, hence forth there shall be no more marriages! Those who are married can stay married but everyone else will stay single! Get thee to a nunnery! I don't understand women, God gives you one face and you paint yourselves another! Get thee to a nunnery at once!" Then Robin stormed off leaving Starfire in tears. Cyborg and Slade walked out.

"It's alright we heard it all." Cyborg said.

"I'll send him to England to get back the money they owe us. Hopefully he'll return sane. I still don't think he's crazy because of love." Slade said.

"He is and you know it!" Cyborg said.

"Fie, why can't I be Hamlet!" Slade said under his breath.

A/N: Remember how the Ghost wanted Hamlet to avenge his death? Well Hamlet thinks the ghost may be the devil trying to trick him into committing murder, so he decided to test things out by getting a group of actors to perform a play about a murder similar to the one that already happened. We are now in the castle's theater place or wherever.

"Robin come sit over here." Raven said.

"No thanks mother, the view is more beautiful over here." Robin said as he took a seat next to Starfire.

"What did I tell you?" Cyborg said to Slade, "Look at that."

"Shall I lie in your lap, Lady Starfire?" Robin said to Starfire.

"No, Lord Robin," she answered.

"I mean my head upon your lap."

"Alright." Then Robin put his head on Starfire's lap.

"Did you think I was being perverted?"

"I think of nothing."

"Lovely thought to lie between a girl's legs." He said with a grin.

"And what is there?"

"Nothing," Robin grinned again, Starfire looked down and sighed understanding for once what "**nothing**" was slang for in Shakespeare's time, "Somebody's happy tonight." Robin sat up

"Why wouldn't I be? Look at how _happy_ my _mother_ is and only **_two hours_** after my **_father died_**." He purposely said loudly so Raven could hear.

"Robin, it has been four months since your father has passed."

"What difference does it make?"

"The show is starting"

Player Queen: I love you! You're the best husband ever!

Player King: I love you too!

Player Queen: I shall never remarry especially to any of your relatives whose name happens to start with "S" and end with a "D". Doing that would be a horrible sin and I could never forgive myself. Farewell. I love you. ((leaves))

Player King: I love you too. I shall take a nap. ((goes to sleep))

King's nephew: I shall now kill my brother with eye poison! ((Pours poison))

"It was ear poison you prating fly-bitten dewberry!" Slade said, then everybody stared at him.

"Batman was right." Robin said to himself.

"I've got to kill that kid," he said to himself, "I, uh… gotta go." Slade got out of his seat and ran away. Robin got up and ran after him. However when he found Slade he was praying… yes it's a little weird but Slade was praying. Then Robin realized if he were to kill him then he'd go to heaven instead of hell where he belonged, so he left.

"Yo Robin, your mother wants to see you." Cyborg said.

"Why?" Robin asked.

"I don't know but man is she gonna whoop yo ass now."

A/N: Later in Queen Gertrude's room, Polonius is hiding behind the curtains so he can listen to what will go on.

"Robin, you have your father much offended." Raven said in her monotone voice.

"You have my father much offended." Robin answered.

"You're answering me foolishly."

"You're questioning me evilly!"

"Robin, what, why?"

"What's the problem now?"

"Robin, have you forgot me?"

"No you are the queen! Your husband's brother's wife!" He said madly, "not only that you are my mother even though I wish it were not so!" Robin took his sword out of his sheath, "Come, sit you down now, you shall not budge I will set up a mirror so you may see the inmost part of you!" Then he advanced toward Raven with his sword.

"What the? Are you trying to kill me?" still in her monotone voice

"Somebody help! Robin's trying to kill Raven!" Cyborg yelled from behind the curtains.

"A rat? He's a dead rat now." Robin went to the curtain and stabbed it, killing Cyborg.

"I am slain. Man my death is so pathetic! Why didn't you tell me there wasn't a fight scene?"

"Shut up and die!" she said quietly to Cyborg "Robin, what did you do?"

"I know not, is it the king?" he pulled back the curtains revealing Cyborg; then he shrugged and picked him up by the legs and began dragging him out of the room. "Now that I've committed murder, I think I should leave. This politician who was a babbling idiot in life is finally quiet. Have a lovely night, mother, and don't let Slade seduce you into his bed," he said to Raven, then looked at Cyborg and said, "Come sir, let's finish our business. Good night mother."

A/N: Yay! Somebody died; we have a new narrator for the next chappie!

Cyborg: This is lame! I have a crappy death and then I have to narrate! What is this!

A/N: Yes, now tell the readers what's up next.

Cyborg: ((narrows eyes)) ok then, Ophelia gets to go insane, Hamlet and Laertes beat the crap outta each other, someone else dies and I won't have to do this any more!


	4. more death yay!

A/N: ok… three reviews…

Jill2282: Fear not! I have the last chappie done. I'll put it up later.

vinnie the geek: sophisticated? NEVER! ME IS NO SOPHISTICATED! The reason I got into Shakespeare was because I saw MacBeth at the Ren Faire and when MacBeth died he had a fake blood pouch and it splattered all over the stage! IT WAS SO AWESOME! IT HAD PEOPLE GOING CRAZY AND DIEING AND KILLING EACH OTHER! And thanks for advertising me story!

"I know what to do," Slade said to himself, "I'll send the little brat to England and have two fools bear a letter giving instructions to kill him." Raven walked in.

"Slade," she said, "Robin just killed Cyborg and hid the body. Thought you should know. Bye." She left. Then Robin walked in jumped on the table and kicked everything off it.

"Now Robin, where is Cyborg?"

"At supper."

"At supper, where?"

"Now where he eats, but where he is eaten. A bunch of worms and rust are at him now. We fatten all creatures to feed ourselves and we fatten ourselves for maggots. A fat king and lean beggar are no more than two dishes at the same table. That's all I'm saying." Robin said as he sat on the table swinging his legs back and forth. Slade raised an eyebrow. "Did you know that a man can fish with a worm that ate of a king, and eat of that fish that hath fed of that worm?"

"What do you mean by this?"

"That a king may end up in the guts of a beggar."

"Where is Cyborg?"

"In heaven."

"Where is Cyborg?"

"In heaven, if your messenger can't find him there, look in the other place yourself."

"Tell me where is Cyborg!"

"Well if you don't find him this month, you'll smell something in the lobby."

"Go seek him there." Slade told his servants.

"He will stay till ye come!" he shouted to the servants as they left, "tedious fools."

"Robin, you're going back to England for a little while."

"Alright, good-bye mother!"

"Robin, I'm your father."

"No you married my mother, became one with her so you are my mother. Bye mom!" Robin said as he happily left.

Cyborg: _Cause:_ Her father dies _Affect:_ Ophelia goes insane.

Starfire walked in, now insane, her hair was all messed up and her skirt was dirty and torn a little "Where is the fair queen of Denmark?"

"What are you doing?" Raven asked. Then Starfire began to sing a Tamaranian folk song.

"_He is dead and gone lady; he is dead and gone, at his head a green turf of the earthly plant grass and at his heals a stone of the grave_."

"Starfire?" Raven's eyes widened, "she actually knows cool morbid songs?" she thought. Then Slade walked in, Starfire sang.

"_And will he not come again? No, no, he is dead, go to thy death bed, he never will come again._"

"What does she mean by this?" Slade asked, Speedy walked in, Starfire sang again.

"_By Gis and St. Charity, Alack, and fie, for shame! Young men will do't if they come to it. By God they are to blame. Quoth she, "Before you tumbled me, you promised me to wed." He answers, "So would I ha' done, by yonder sun, an thou hast not come to my bed._" Then Starfire looked a little mad and crossed her arms. Everyone's mouths dropped open, I had to read the song a few times before I got it, it's actually pretty funny.

"How long has my sister been like this?" Speedy asked. Starfire took a bunch of twigs out of her skirt.

"There is rosemary," she gave a twig to Speedy, "Earthly plant of remembrance. Remember. There is pansies," she gave him another twig, "Earthly plant of thoughts." Speedy looked at the twigs in shock. The Starfire went to the queen "Here are fennel and columbines for you," she gave Raven a fork and a twig, "on Earth they symbolize adultery, correct?" she walked over to Slade, "There is some rue for you," she put a leaf on his head, "and here is some for me!" she tucked a leaf in her bodice, "Here's a daisy," she held out a nail and Slade took it, "It's for unhappy marriage," she quietly said, "I'd give you some violets but they all withered away when my father died. They say he made a good end. _Hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny…_" she left the room singing.

"Sorrow and affliction, passion, hell its self- she makes almost makes them seem pretty." Speedy said with grief as he looked at his "flowers"

Cyborg: Later that day.

Starfire is walking by the river picking more "flowers" and singing her songs when she falls in, she doesn't do anything just lays there, not knowing the danger she's in and-

Cyborg: BOO YAH! I don't have to narrate anymore!

A/N: Yes you do. They need her body during the funeral.

Cyborg: ((glares)) Alright, Claudius sends Hamlet to England, Hamlet reads the letter that says he's supposed to die and, writes a new one arranging for the two idiots who were carrying the letter to die, he comes back; him and Horatio have a little fun with a skull and then notice a funeral. And remember you can't spell funeral with out fun!

Robin just finished mourning for the court jester then he looked at the skull again and said, "I don't know why Starfire keeps putting on makeup," Robin said, "we're all going to end up like this in the end," then Robin looked around the mausoleum they were standing behind and saw the funeral, his eyes widened, "The fair Starfire?"

Starfire's body is about to be laid into her grave. Speedy knelt down before the body and laid a cloth over her. "Lay her in the Earth," he said, "and from her fair and unpolluted flesh May violets spring." They lowered Starfire into her grave, and Raven tossed some flowers in it.

"Thought I'd be tossing flowers on your wedding bed, never thought I'd be tossing them in your grave. Okay… maybe once or twice." Raven said, "Fie, why didn't you marry my son."

"Damn whoever did this to you! Damn him ten thousand times!" Speedy yelled, "don't burry her yet," he jumped into Starfire's grave and embraced his sister's corpse "pile dirt on the living and dead, higher than Mt. Olympus!"

"Whose grief is so great, whose words of sorrow make the stars stop in sadness. They're mine!" Robin said to Speedy. Speedy got out of the grave.

"THE DEVIL TAKE THY SOUL!" Speedy said then he jumped Robin, after a while of fist-fighting Speedy started strangling Robin.

"Guys," Beast Boy said, "chill."

"Robin, Speedy! Stop it!" Raven said, "Part them," Then some servants pulled Robin and Speedy away from each other.

"I'll fight him over this issue until I haven't the strength to blink." Robin said.

"And what issue is this?" Slade asked.

"I loved Starfire! Forty thousand brothers could not with all their quantity of love, make up my sum! What would you do for her? Cry? Fight? Stop eating? Cut yourself? Drink vinegar? Eat a crocodile? I'd do it all and more! Did you come here to outface me by dramatically leaping into her grave? To be buried alive with her. So have I. So you're going to rant about mountains? They'd pile so much dirt on us it's make Mt. Olympus look smaller than-"

"Lord Robin, you would partake in those acts of suffering for me?" Starfire flew out of her grave with hearts in her eyes and hugged Robin. Everyone stopped for a second. Robin pulled Starfire aside.

"We're acting; you're supposed to be dead." He said, "You can't just fly out of your grave!"

"Oh," she answered, "Wait then you would not partake in acts of suffering for me?" she glared at him.

"We can talk about that later… get back in your grave." Starfire glared at him as she went back into her grave. "Um… They'd pile dirt on us so high it'd make Mt. Olympus look like a speck of dust! See I can rant just as well as you!"

"And we thought he was crazy before." Raven said.

"Don't worry he'll be dead soon enough." Slade said.

"What was that?"

"Um, he'll be um ahead in his sanity soon enough yeah…"

"Whatever."

Cyborg: Can I stop narrating now?

A/N: Yes. ((rolls eyes)) Starfire, your turn.

Starfire: In the next chapter Laertes and Claudius shall plot to kill Lord Hamlet, then in the scene in which many of the characters, yes? Will die.


	5. the death scene!

A/N: Back with more insanity and blood!

Shekron Kaizer: Actually I'm not studying Hamlet, it's just one of me favorite plays. We're studying Romeo and Juliet… romantic piece of crap about two complete idiots who make out before learning each others names, get married after knowing each other for a little more than a week and then die.

vinnie the geek: Thanks! I know what you meant with sophisticated though, a few of my friends used to hate Shakespeare, then I pointed out all of the insults and perverted jokes and they became fans.

a-1991: I would love to do all of the scenes, but I have stupid evil zombie finals/regents to study for, a trebuchet to make and a new costume for the Ren Faire to sew. Not to mention that the play is HUGE! It'd take me all of the summer!

Rose Eclipse: Thanks! I love Macbeth! After this I'm thinking of doing Taming of the Shrew, only with out the stupid ending that pisses you off. Raven's gonna be the shrew and Starfire will be Bianca, and I'm thinking of making Slade their father…

Random groundling: Sit thee on a spit thou loggerheaded clay-brained jolthead! Stop responding to reviews and start the show!

A/N: Lead apes in hell thou unmuzzled motley-minded pigeon-egg! Here's the show scurvy knave!

"I hate Robin," Slade said, "He knows the truth."

"He killed my father, causing my sister to go mad and die." Speedy said.

"Not only that! I should've played Hamlet! I'm a much better actor than Robin, I should get a dramatic death scene too but no that little brat had to steal my part-"

"Slade, we're supposed to be plotting his death."

"Oh yeah… alright we'll arrange a "friendly" fencing match. We'll put poison on your sword if you wound him he'll die. I'll poison his drink should you fail. Do we have a deal?"

"Yes. He took everyone from me that I loved. What other answer do you expect?"

Starfire: ((gasp)) they cannot do that to Robin! I must warn him!

Cyborg: Star, in case you've forgotten YOU'RE DEAD!

Starfire: But Robin cannot die! He is the hero of the story!

Cyborg: It's a Shakespearean tragedy, the title character always dies.

Starfire: Then I am most joyful that this play is called Hamlet and not Robin!

Cyborg: The fencing match between Laertes and Hamlet that would take place the next day would be everyone's last. BOO-YAH! DEATH SCENE COMING UP!

Robin and Beast Boy walk in through one door, Raven, Slade, Speedy walk in through the other. A bunch of the locals with money have come to watch.

"Come, Robin," Slade said, "shake hands with Speedy." Robin and Speedy did this. Then Robin said to Speedy,

"I've done you wrong, but pardon it as you are a gentleman. Everyone here knows and I'm sure you've heard that I suffer from insanity. When I insulted you it was due to that, so it isn't really Robin who's guilty, it's Robin's madness. And so, Robin is the victim of his own madness, his madness is his enemy."

"I am satisfied in nature. However I cannot accept your apology until experts in honor show me how to make peace with you without staining my own reputation in doing so." Speedy answered.

"I understand and I thank you. Give us foils." Some servants came up and let them choose their weapons, Speedy picked his carefully.

"Alright, this is for three touches," Slade said, "begin." They fenced for a while then Robin hit Speedy.

"One," Robin said.

"No," Speedy said.

"Judgment!"

"A hit," Slade said, "any idiot with two eyes can see that." He picked up a goblet, "Come, give him drink. Robin this pearl is thine," he dropped the poison pearl into the cup, "here's to thy health."

"I'll finish this bout first. Set it by a while. Come." Robin and Speedy fence some more, Robin hits Speedy again, "another hit what say you?"

"A touch," Speedy said, "I do confess it."

"Our son shall win!" Slade said. Then Raven went up and went to the table where the drinks are.

"The queen carouses to thy fortune, Robin." She held up the poisoned cup. Slade's eyes widened and he began to get a little nervous.

"Raven, do not drink." Slade told her.

"Why?" she asked.

"Um… you're too young to drink! It's illegal."

"I'm the queen I'll do what I want." Raven said then took a sip of the drink.

"I'll drink a little later." Robin said.

"I'm almost starting to feel guilty." Speedy said quietly to himself.

"Come for the third Speedy! You're not even trying. Stop treating me like a child." Robin said.

"Say you so?" They began to fence Speedy hits Robin and while continuing to fence they both end up dropping and switching their foils, then Robin hits Speedy. Meanwhile Raven began to feel sick then she realized what was going on.

"Part them!" Slade said, "They're overdoing it!" Raven fainted.

"Look to the queen," Beast Boy said to some of the servants, "They bleed on both sides, Robin, you okay?"

"I am justly killed by mine own treachery." Speedy said and then fell down.

"How does the queen?" Robin asked as he ran to Raven, and held her up.

"She swoons to see them bleed." Slade said nervously.

"No, no, the drink, the drink," Raven said, "Robin, the drink, I am poisoned." She said quietly with the rest of her strength and then died. Robin gently dropped her and got up. Now Speedy was starting to die, he was so weak some of his servants had to help him sit up on the floor.

"It is here, Robin. Robin, thou art slain. No medicine in the world will do you good. You have no more than half an hour of life left. The weapon is in your hand, still poisoned. The foul practice hath turned itself unto me. Lo, here I lie, never to rise again." pause, "The king, the king's to blame."

"Then venom, to thy work!" He ran to Slade and stabbed him, but being that Slade has some metal suit on so the sword didn't do anything. So Slade took the sword and made it look like it hurt; people in the audience began to shout "treason."

"Defend me friends, I am but hurt." Slade said.

"Here, thou incestuous, murderous, damnéd Dane, drink off this potion, is your little pearl in here?" he forced the drink down Slade's throat, "follow my mother!" Slade fell down and died.

"He is justly severed," Speedy said, "Robin exchange forgiveness with me, you're not responsible for mine and my father's death"

"Nor mine on thee," Robin said as Speedy died, Robin fell down and Beast Boy went to help hold him up as he died. "I am dead, Beast Boy," then he looked at the spectators and said, "You that sit here and watch confused and frightened, if I had time I would tell you my story. Death allows no time, let it be. Beast Boy, I am dead. You live, report my cause aright to the unsatisfied."

"Not for a second," Beast Boy said as he lifted up the cup, "there's some liquor left."

"Give me the cup! Let go! By heaven I'll have it!" Robin grabbed the cup with what was left of his strength and threw it somewhere, "You have to tell my story. O, I die Beast Boy, the poison quiet o'ercrows my spirit. I cannot live to hear the news from England. But I do prophesy the election lights on Fortinbras. He has my dying voice. So tell him with the occurrents, more and less, which have solicited. The rest is silence." Robin said with all of the life he had left in him and died.

"Now cracks a noble heart. Good night, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." The curtains closed, then opened, "I'm not gay for Robin! That's what the script said!" the curtains closed.

A/N: The end! Coming soon to a near you The Teen Titans do Taming of the Shrew! Muhahaha! There isn't violence, but it has a sick joke on every other page!


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